


Regrets

by carzla



Category: Beyblade
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Depressing, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-08
Updated: 2012-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-29 05:03:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/316111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carzla/pseuds/carzla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An unfortunate accident leaves Mariah dead and her friends and family devastated. One boy in particular is feeling very guilty and grieved by her death. Full of regrets, he starts withdrawing from everyone. Will another incident make him realize his mistake?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2005, i.e. a long time ago.

_He ran at fast as he could. He really did, he really tried his best, he gave everything he had, but he was too late – the deathly black sports car hit her. The slim body was flung in the opposite direction of the car like a lifeless being – a doll. There was not even enough time for a cry to escape her lips as her side connected with the hard concrete pavement of the sidewall, her head hitting the corner of the lamppost, which knocked her out – perhaps for good._

_He screamed her name repeatedly as he tried to reach the opposite side. But the cars were streaming along the road, not stopping to let him get to her, to see how she was, to **help** her. He could not find a pedestrian crossing or an overhead bridge; it was like the world had decided to gang up on him to prevent him from helping her. The pedestrians continued to walk on, none of them caring enough to call an ambulance, to help the fallen figure on the sidewalk. She was alone, on her own – as was he. _

_He scanned the area before trying – recklessly, he knew that – to dash across the busy road, but hands reached out from behind him, grabbing his arms and shoulders tightly. He struggled, thrashing out violently, not caring if he hurt anyone in the process. His amber eyes were focused solely on the girl with deep red blood oozing out of the gash on her forehead that stood out against her fair skin and the pink of her hair. The other open wounds that were scattered over her limbs oozed blood too. It hurt him to see her vulnerable and alone._

_“Let go!” he snarled, baring his fangs as he twisted around, his eyes finally leaving the girl to glare at his restrainers._

_He twisted and jerked his arms and shoulders, wanting them to let go. But they would not. The more he struggled, the tighter their grip became until it was biting into his flesh and almost drawing blood. He was desperate; the panic was fully flowing onto his normally calm face. His golden eyes darted from each person rapidly, pleading for them to let him go. But he only received blank stares, emotionless and pitiless looks back from them. They did not understand his urgency. If he did not reach her, she could well be dead. He did not want that to happen – ever._

_“Please! She needs help!” He was begging this time round. His eyes were exceptionally wide, and he looked like he would lose his mind any moment if what he wanted were not given to him._

_Then, in a dead monotone, they responded together, “Too late… You’re too late…”_

_He flicked his gaze back to the spot where she was lying only a few minutes ago. But she had disappeared… gone forever. Even the bloodstains had disappeared, like the accident had never happened before. But it **had**. It could not be true. She was so young. How could she leave just like that? They had a movie to catch and he still had so many things he wanted to say to her. How could she leave without a warning? How? Why?_

_Too late…_

_Too late…_

_The words repeated themselves in his ears like someone had plugged a speaker permanently there and had the words on an endless repeat. No amount of denial could stop the voices. He was too late. He could not save her. It was his entire fault._

_  
**His fault.**   
_

_  
_

* * *

_In an unlit bedroom of a teenage boy, Ray Kon sat up on his bed with unshed tears glistening in his eyes. Getting out from under the covers, he walked to the balcony and stared out, unseeing, at the midnight sky that was sparingly dotted with faraway lights that came from the stars. The full moon’s rays were bathing him with gentle yellow light, leaving him illuminated, set apart from the darkness._

_Ray could not forget that day, the fateful day he lost Mariah, his beloved girlfriend, to a car accident that he felt he could have and should have prevented. During the day, wherever he went, wherever he was, he was plagued with sights that reminded him of her. At home, her special guestroom was next to his with her clothes and other memorabilia._

_Although nobody entered it anymore, the mere empty existence of it was enough to drive him crazy with guilt. But nothing beat the happenings when he was at his most susceptible state – sleep. Every night since that day, seeing the accident replay in his mind every single night had overwhelmed him and he was always too late to save her._

_The nightmares were so real, so much like what had really happened on that Saturday afternoon. The difference was that nobody was holding him back; people _were_ calling the police an ambulance and he _had_ managed to cross the road to get to her. Even so, with all the aid he had then, he was still too late to prevent Mariah from dying. The dream just exaggerated everything and made it all the more tragic. _

But he _should_ have stopped her from crossing the road in her hurry to reach the cinema so they could watch “Cellular”, a thriller about a man trying to save a woman’s life after the woman had appealed to him for help via a random, desperate phone call. The man could not hang up the phone. If not, the woman would die.

How ironic.

Minutes before the accident happened, he was on the phone talking to his friend about an urgent matter concerning some school project. When he had hung up, the next thing he knew, his girlfriend was crossing the road and… Wham! The speeding sports car had hit her – and continued on its journey at the same breakneck speed, like Mariah had been just air, doing nothing to slow the car down or make the driver realize his deadly mistake of speeding. Hit and run accidents had never been so comprehensible to Ray until now. Subconsciously, his hands curled tight fists.

Unwillingly, his mind drifted to the memory corner and the images of the past – pleasant memories – flooded his mind once again…

…

Ray stayed at his spot on the balcony for a very long time, his cat-like eyes glazed, yet shimmering faintly in the pale moonlight. Finally, he returned to his room feeling colder than the temperature should have made him, closing the balcony door as a lone cloud drifted by, shading the moon’s rays from his balcony. It left everything in the dark and made everything seem so shrouded and uncertain.

Lying down on his bed with eyes blurred from withheld tears, Ray stared fixatedly at the ceiling for almost ten minutes before sleep started to cloud his senses. As his lids slowly fell over his dulled amber eyes, a lone tear finally eked its way out. It trailed down his cheek, leaving a wet streak, before dripping on to his black shirt and was absorbed by the material.

* * *

“Hey, dude! Ray!” navy-haired Tyson Granger called out loudly as he ran to catch up with his friend. He hoped that it would catch Ray’s attention.

Silence.

As he drew closer to Ray, Tyson sensed a heavily depressed air cloaking his friend. It felt so thick that Tyson thought he might suffocate. Concerned, as his friend was never usually so depressed or miserable, he asked, “Are you okay? Ray?”

Ray blinked, his eyes refocusing to take in the ground as his eyes were gazing downwards. He lifted his head slowly, like in a trance, and noticed Tyson.

“Oh, hello Tyson… I’m fine,” Ray replied in a voice that belied the fact that he feeling well. Anyone could notice that.

“No you’re not,” a blond-haired, Japanese-American Max Tate said as he appeared with another youth. “You’re unlike yourself for the past week. You’re doing things almost mechanically. You didn’t even hear Tyson call you and he was loud.”

Ray tried not to sigh. He knew that sooner or later his friends would pick up the signs that something was not right with him. Max and Tyson were his good friends but how could he explain that he was guilty about Mariah’s death and make them understand? They would tell him that it was not his fault and give those useless words everyone had to offer. It _was_ his mistake. If only…

“Ray. You’re bothered by Mariah’s death, aren’t you?” Kai Hiwatari, who had been quiet so far, finally spoke and bluntly pinpointed the general cause of the Chinese youth’s withdrawing from the outside world.

Tyson suppressed a gasp of realization with much effort. He had somewhat forgotten that Ray was the one of the most badly affected person by Mariah’s death. He remembered that it took a minute or so before everyone accepted the pink-haired Chinese girl’s death as reality. He remembered Hilary weeping until her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, Kenny too had been crying, almost as badly as Hilary. No amount of comforting later got them to stop until it was really late. Tyson also could not forget the way the Lee, Mariah’s elder brother, looked when Ray broke the news. Lee’s face showed disbelief at first and then it changed to one of utter devastation…

Max chided himself mentally for being so stupid. He should’ve known… or at least _guessed_ it. He too still remembered how everyone looked as Ray told them that Mariah had died… He himself had cried too, so did Kevin and almost everyone else. Max turned his gaze to Ray, wondering how their friend would react to Kai’s statement.

Ray’s posture tensed. How could Kai bring her up now? And so casually at that?

Controlling his brewing anger, he replied curtly, “So what if I am?”

“Ray… I-”

“Now that you know the cause, you can stop bugging me about it. Just _leave me alone!_ ” Ray continued, like he hadn’t heard Max, his eyes flashing frustration and some confusion.

Then he picked up his pace, drawing away from his three friends before breaking into a desperate run in the direction away from school as he heard quickening footsteps behind him. He _needed_ to be alone. Couldn’t they let him be?

“Ray!” Tyson yelled after the running boy in hopes of stopping him.

No such luck.

Simultaneously, without further thought to whether it would be sensible, he and Max attempted to give chase, only to be stopped by Kai’s firm voice, “Let him go. He needs his space and time.”

Max and Tyson exchanged worried glances but listened to Kai; after all, Kai was the most sensible one amongst them all. He would know what was best for Ray now. Kai had proved to them many times before that he knew what was right to do in different situations. With a last worried look at the direction Ray had disappeared to, Max and Tyson gave a heavy sigh before jogging to catch up with Kai.

The trio walked in subdued silence all the way to school.

* * *

Ray didn’t know how long he had been at the park. He had been, and still was, leaning against a shady tree, thinking and mourning. It was past noon and judging from the intensity of the sunlight, about two o’clock in the afternoon now. Personally, Ray felt that it was dark, for being under the tree had blocked most of the sunlight from shining on him. The light in his surroundings was much too blindingly bright for his liking, too hopeful and lively for his mood. Ray reasoned that since it was most probably around two, school would have ended and he had missed one day of it without a seemingly valid reason. He wondered if his friends had thought up of an excuse for him.

Speaking of his friends, Ray was glad that Max and Tyson had not chased after him to try to calm him and say those meaningless comforting words. They would not know what it was like to lose a loved one. They didn’t know the feeling of such intense guilt. At least Kai had told them not to follow him. However, Ray had a feeling that Kai himself would find him and talk some sense into him. Kai never really did the sentimental and the truth often hurt more than the lies…

“So have you finished wallowing in your ocean of sorrow?” Kai’s steady voice asked though not sarcastically, breaking the silence. He sounded demanding instead.

Ray looked at Kai from the corner of his eyes. He was right that Kai would find him and be exceptionally blunt in speaking too. Couldn’t Kai leave him alone too? The tall slate-haired boy was wearing a stern expression, his mouth was set in a neutral line and his steel gray eyes were boring into Ray’s like a metallic drill, as if they could see right through him, see all his thoughts and feelings.

It was quite disconcerting to know that Kai could be very perceptive to one’s thoughts. It probably came from his preference to keep in the background and silently observe everything. Ray tried to think of an answer. However, Kai went on:

“If you’re going to continue being in your current almost unresponsive mode, you’ll affect your friends and family. Mariah’s death was unfortunate; everyone had had a hard time accepting it. You don’t have to withdraw… Mariah wouldn’t want you to be like how you are now.”

“You won’t understand,” Ray replied in a dreary and resigned tone, which was becoming his usual tone now.

He ignored what Kai had said about Mariah not wanting him to be like how he was now. How would he know what Mariah was thinking? As much as he didn’t want to admit, Mariah was dead and nobody would know what she was or will be thinking ever again.

“Try me. I’ve been through worse before and you know that,” Kai stated calmly as he folded his arms in front of him.

Ray turned so that he was facing Kai and regarded the latter dubiously. This was the first time Kai had mentioned some of his past after almost a year even though it was indirectly. Kai had been through unfortunate events, highly possibly, subjected to physical abuse and neglect by his tyrant-like grandfather who was more concerned about earning money in any manner. Nobody was sure if it was true, but it seemed that way though there were no visible physical scars. The mental scarring was evident though as it inevitably caused Kai’s guarded and distant approach towards everyone. Ray had long suspected that him, Tyson, Max, Kenny and Hilary were Kai’s only close friends.

However, that did not mean that Kai would understand why he felt so guilty. Nobody would understand how it felt to lose a loved one when it could’ve been preventable. Kai had never had his experience before… the experience of being in love and the experience of having the life ripped away right in front of their very eyes. Ray knew he should’ve been concentrating more on Mariah than paying attention to the phone call. He’d rather fail his project than pass it but have Mariah dead as the consequence. At least then, he would’ve someone there to cheer him up if did fail the stupid project.

Ray really hoped that Kai would go away too. He needed time to himself, and he was sure Kai would never understand or ever feel the way he was feeling right now.

Trying his best to keep the annoyance and frustration out of his voice, Ray said without looking at his friend, “You _won’t_ understand, okay? Can you just… _go_?”

“Ray-”

“WILL YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?” Ray burst out, cutting Kai off sharply.

He had finally snapped. He had had enough. Ray whirled around violently to face the other teenager, his golden orbs now flashing angrily, glaring at Kai accusingly.

“Listen. You will never be able to understand how I feel. You’ve never loved anyone before! How would _you_ know, how would _you_ understand how I feel? Hell, you’re so freaking distant and cold towards everyone else, would I believe that you know what the heck the meaning of _love_ is? What _guilt_ is?” the Chinese boy ranted, not pausing to process what effects his words were causing, “Just go away! Stop acting like you can understand when you can’t! You never will!”

Then Ray noticed that on Kai’s face, for a second, hurt had been etched into it, but it was gone rapidly as the mask slipped back on. The older youth’s stance was now tense. Ray knew that it was too late to take back his words, and he might have just lost a friend with that angry, probably unnecessary rant. But right now he didn’t care that much anymore. His life was already so empty without Mariah; it didn’t matter if more people left it. It’d probably give him more reason to withdraw anyway. Ray looked away from Kai’s penetrating gaze.

Kai observed Ray quietly, knowing that Ray probably did not mean what he had just said. Though of course, some things could’ve been rather true of him in the past. But it still hurt to be reminded so harshly of it, especially by someone he considered a friend. Kai knew the consequences of withdrawing; it made one cold and unfeeling as the shields blocked everything out. He was a living example, but he was changing already. He could not let Ray take the path he did when he was younger. Ray _had_ people who cared for him very much. Ray could not turn away from them.

“Have you ever wondered where my parents were? Why they left me alone?” Kai asked quietly. “Even if you won’t reply, I’m sure you’ve thought about it. I understand your guilt… For I was made to believe that I was the cause of my parents’ death.”

There was a small gasp that came from Ray.

“And who would do such a thing when I was just a young impressionable boy? My _dear old grandfather_.” The bitterness in Kai’s words as he spoke of his grandfather could make one get an inkling of how Kai had felt when he was under the hands of Voltaire Hiwatari.

“Voltaire disapproved of my father’s marriage. He fell in love with a girl of a middle-class status, which wasn’t good enough for Voltaire. He believed that someone of a lower social status would _taint_ the Hiwatari line. But my father went ahead with the marriage and moved away from Russia to Japan, hoping to escape Voltaire’s tyranny.” Kai paused as a bitter smirk twisted his mouth.

“But it was useless. Voltaire had corporations everywhere and they acted as spies to keep an eye on my parents. When I was born, Voltaire made up his mind to snatch me away and bring me up to be the man he wanted my father to be. To be ruthless in acquiring what he wanted; to be hard-hearted.”

“When I was six, Voltaire took action. He ordered his men to murder my parents – _in front of my very eyes_. I remember screaming in anguish as I was held at the side, and my parents were begging the men not to take me away to Voltaire. They obviously knew what was in store for me. Then two reverberating shots were heard, echoing repeatedly in the enclosed walls of my house. They died. I didn’t understand the reason why my parents had to die at first, but Voltaire did a good job in brainwashing me. Repeating the incident in his own twisted version for so many times and so frequently, that I… I actually _believed_ him.”

“I believed that I was the cause of my parents’ death. And so I had to repay for my ‘sins’ and listen to Voltaire’s every command. But I never fully complied. I turned inwards and withdrew as I was beaten and treated harshly virtually every day. I had to be strong; Voltaire said I had to be. He took pleasure in seeing me weak… And so I became the person you knew a year ago… Don’t you see the consequences, Ray? Do you want to be like how I was? You have people who care about you; you can’t leave them in the lurch. You _can’t_ become a replica of the old Kai Hiwatari.”

Ray didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to react. How would you respond if your friend, who had always been a private person, suddenly spilled his tortured past out to make you realize that you aren’t as lost as you thought you were? Ray felt guiltier than before. He had completely disregarded Kai’s feelings and the fact that the youth had had a worst past than anyone in their social circle.

Now, he truly wished that he could take back what he had said to Kai even though Kai didn’t seem to be angry with him. But Ray knew, Kai was definitely hurt from his words.

But before he could say anything, a female voice shrieked at him:

“ **RAY KON! YOU _INSENSITIVE_ IDIOT!** ”

From behind the same tree, Hilary Tachibana stormed out, her face blacker than thunder. Following that, Tyson and Max appeared, both frantically trying to restrain Hilary but to no avail. The girl shoved them away with strength that nobody present actually thought she had in her slim frame.

“Hilary! Calm down!” Max advised worriedly as he tried once more to unsuccessfully grab a firm hold of her arm. Knowing Hilary’s temper, and what they had just overheard, Ray was going to be in for a real yelling spree.

“Hilary! Don’t!” Tyson yelled, still trying to stop the incensed brunette from reaching the source of her anger – Ray. He dashed forward at a surprising speed and grabbed a firm hold of Hilary’s wrist.

Hilary turned to glare at Tyson, causing the latter to almost flinch at the intensity of the glare. She tried to wrench her hand from Tyson’s grip, but it only caused the boy to tighten his grip further.

Hilary gave a feral growl before saying in a barely controlled voice, “Let me go now, Tyson. Or you’ll be spending your whole school life cleaning classrooms after school!”

“I don’t care. You need to calm down. Yelling at Ray won’t solve anything,” Tyson replied as calmly as he could. He didn’t need Hilary to blow up at him too.

“Oh yeah?” Hilary challenged, ruby eyes glittering in a menacing way, “Ray needs to know that he isn’t the only one grieving over Mariah’s death. Every one of us here did too! I used to think that you, Tyson, were the most self-centered person I’ve ever met. But no! I’ve been proven wrong! Turns out that _Ray_ had claimed the title!” Her voice had turned mocking at the last sentence.

“All of you here knew that Kai has had a horrible past. All of you did! Yet now because of your own self-pity, Ray, you threw it all out of the window and acted like a real jerk! Don’t you know how hurtful those words were? Don’t you realize how selfish you’re acting now, Ray? Huh? You should be ashamed of yourself!”

By this time, Hilary had broken free of Tyson’s grasp and was in front of a shell-shocked Ray. And he could do nothing as…

**SMACK!**

“Hilary!” Tyson and Max gasped at the same time, shocked at what Hilary had just done.

“Don’t you _‘Hilary!’_ me! He deserves it!” the brunette snarled in reply, whipping her gaze to where the other two boys were standing, “Kai was just trying to talk some sense into him and he just blew his top! And those words… How would you react if you heard it being directed to you? Huh? How would you feel?”

Ray raised a hand to his cheek, gently touching the skin that had gone red from the violent contact. Ouch. It had hurt and it still stung. He could tell that Hilary was very disappointed and upset with him. Yes, he knew he shouldn’t have said those things to Kai. He really wanted to take them back, but he knew he couldn’t.

Perhaps Hilary should slap him a bit more… he needed the pain to clear up his mind. He was still so confused about everything.

Hilary turned back to Ray and looked like she was about to go on when a hand grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her back. She looked up and saw that it was Kai, still looking as calm and stoic as ever. She started to move away, still wanting to give Ray the lecture he deserved. But Kai seemed to have read her mind before she could as one of his arms went round her waist and pulled her against him and he started to walk away, half-pulling and half-dragging her along.

“Leave it as it is, Hilary,” Kai said quietly, keeping his grip firm although Hilary was struggling to get out of his strong grasp.

Hilary blinked. “But Kai!” she started to protest, before thinking it through and then continuing, “Look, we heard _everything_. Ray has no right to say those things.”

“It was in his blind rage. He doesn’t mean it,” Kai replied, “Let it be.” His last sentence was more of a command than a request.

Hilary knew it would be useless to argue with Kai and decided to let it rest. After all, now that she was calmer, she knew she had to lay off Ray. The boy did go through quite a bit… Still, it angered her. The way Ray had yelled at Kai… And then Kai had practically told Ray his life story to help the Chinese teen realize his mistake, instead of walking away. She couldn’t _imagine_ going through what Kai had… and to retell it had to be hard on the Japanese-Russian teen. Kai was extremely strong to do it to help a friend.

These few weeks had been torturous. Learning about so many adverse truths made Hilary’s head hurt as she finally stopped struggling in Kai’s grip. She felt tears forming as the incident of Mariah’s death combined with her new knowledge Kai’s past hit her full force.

Knowing that Hilary wouldn’t try anything, Kai released his hold on her and watched with shock as the brunette crumpled to the ground almost immediately, sobbing.

“H-Hilary?” he asked, not quite sure what to do as he quickly knelt down beside her.

Within seconds, Tyson, Max and even Ray were kneeling by Hilary’s side, asking if she was okay, and if anything was wrong. Ray was even apologizing profusely, momentarily forgetting his grief.

“I-I’m fine, guys… It’s just that… so much has been happening lately…” Hilary mumbled through her sobbing, touched at the concern the boys were showing her. “First with M-Mariah, then this _thing_ about Kai. And Ray’s w-withdrawing… I knew life wasn’t easy… but it doesn’t have to be so h-hard too…” Fresh tears emerged from her ruby-colored eyes and Hilary was helpless to stop them from streaking down her face.

She was slightly startled, yet moved, when Ray reached out to wipe away her tears. The teenager looked at her with genuine remorse over what he had done and apologized softly, but still audibly, “I’m sorry, Hilary… You’re right, I was being very selfish.”

Then turning to the other three boys, Ray apologized once more, and was especially sorry about what he had said, well more of yelled, to Kai.

“Thanks for knocking some sense back into me,” he added at the end.

“Well, I think Hilary slapped them back into you instead,” Tyson joked upon seeing the Ray didn’t have that heavy air of depression shrouding him. The navy-haired Japanese teen cracked a smile at everyone and was glad to see tiny smiles form on Hilary, Ray and Kai’s lips. Max on the other hand was smiling as widely as he usually would have. It was a good sign.

“Ray. If you want to be alone for awhile, it’s fine,” Kai suddenly spoke, “Just don’t turn away from us.”

“Yeah,” Max echoed, “We’re your friends.”

“And we’ll always be,” Hilary added with a gentle smile, her tears gone by now.

Tyson gave an agreeing nod.

Ray smiled, a true smile for quite a long time. He had friends. He had friends who understood him… It was a comforting knowledge after all he had been through. If only he could stop blaming himself, everything would be all right again…

“You could talk to us about it, you know,” Kai spoke solemnly after noticing that Ray’s golden eyes had a glazed look to it.

Ray blinked out of his stupor. He had been going down memory lane again. Well, perhaps Kai was right. He did need to let everything that had been building up inside him out. This was a good time to hopefully end it all. Looking at the other three teenagers, they all wore agreeing smiles and Hilary placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a nod.

 _It’s good to have friends,_ Ray thought before he started to speak.


End file.
